Indulging oneself

I am told that I have the next six months to be self-indulgent and mope around :)

I think I will limit myself to 6 weeks, tops. That's the goal anyway.

So, Friday night, yeah, doesn't feel very different than the rest of the endless days. Did little more than lounge around naked in my bedroom in front of my 12-inch companion for most of the day. We do what we can, you know? Didn't even get any good editing done, but I did get to "talk" to several people which made the day bearable, and encouraged me to be duly indulgent.

Focus on I. and myself you say? How's that? My department was having its end-of-year get together, but I feel decidedly un-get-togethery. And I realize exactly how few "real" people constitute my pantheon. Mostly, I realized that it is just going to be me and I. - who didn't want Italian food, but rather Crepes. Since James so kindly knocked on my door to tell me again that I had left my lights on all day, I had to jump start it (actually M. came and did me this favor) and then drive down town to recharge the battery. We tried to get there, I swear, but our efforts were thwarted at every turn. Unbeknownst to me there was some sort of Holiday parade (god I hate parades and cheesy, kitschy americana, like marching bands, I even fucking hate apple pie) that shut down all main central arteries, and it was impossible to go to our little predilect creperie, so I turned around, and took her to rent a movie, and the super market instead.

This is where my night takes a turn for the exciting (Note the heavily laden sarcasm). But, I did rent Ma Mère (I love Isabelle Huppert) and I am functionally meeting the material needs of my child, no? So, Friday night at Trader Joe's, what can one justifiably do but self indulge? So what if I won't actually eat most of what I bought for several months?

Most of the $83 dollars were spent on nuts, cheese and wine in that order. I got a mushroom brie thinking of Kirsten who would make me a kickass risotto if she weren't galavanting about Brazil, mascarpone thinking about my mom, though I must say, I wish I could find the mocha flavored kind that she always gets, and a variety of crackers mostly for I. but some for if my neighbor comes over to reciprocate on the eternal wine and cheese she doles on me as our children wreak havoc on one another. My freezer was devoid of nuts and thusly salads have been absolutely unappealing. Low sodium cashews, candied almonds (at I's request) and walnuts for toasting. There is still an unopened garlic herb Chevrie, so I may just convince myself to make and eat salad in the next few days. I have literally not eaten greens (or anything much else, beyond meager attempts at decimating the left-over turkey) in the last week, so, this is a big step, you see. I also bought dried cranberries to complete the cycle. What did I forget though? The grated romano. Sigh. It is always something, which meant that the mediocre ravioli I made for I. was administered in quantifiable bites. At the end I made her take as many bites as she was old, plus one because soon she will be six. And if she didn't finish, she didn't get her fruit juice popsicle or the movie. Gah. The things one does to blackmail one's child into nourishing herself. Al burro didn't cut it for her, but with pesto they weren't terrible, if a bit dry on the inside :(

Yes. I fed myself. Even if it was something like a half portion, I even ate once in the morning, too, and didn't get nauseous. (So if you were worried, I didn't need the doctor). Now that my foot is feeling 90% better, I realize that my supple skin is growing quickly flaccid, (who said weight loss is a good thing?) and that I need excercise! I crave physical activity after this month of sedentary novelling. I. says she'll come hiking with me tomorrow, now if the weather only holds up and I can think of a low-impact nearby trail, all will be right in the world. Er, well, not really, but isn't part of self-indulgence self-deception?

I am trying to envision ways to get my reading list done while not being totally lonely and miserable over the break. Solution one, go stay with Alison on the beach for a little while. Good solution, but I can't do it for three weeks. Solution two, Kirsten will be with Becca and Adrian in the Bay Area for New Year's, therefore I need only invite myself up to their house and then spend a few days on the ranch and let K. indulge me - I'll have to eat if she's cooking!

More immediately, I am going to take myself out to the movies tomorrow night, alone. It has been a long time since I've done this, but if M. is going to have I., I can't bear to sit at home utterly cloistered on a Saturday, so a little filmic escapism is in order. Something French, it will have to be.

Ah. And maybe, I can actually get a whole night's sleep. There is a plan.