I don't understand anything
I can't really trust my own emotions to remain stable for even an entire day. I feel sick, every time I eat. But I feel weak and cold when I don't. I can behave rationally, I move through my day. I teach my last class for the quarter and I leave smiling. I am always energized by my students. But the energy wears off. A few come to my office and I am resparked for a few minutes more. Before I go home, I speak to people that make me smile, who make me feel like I am not such a bad person. But then they are gone. And the night falls so early, and the hours stretch out endlessly. It is that time around 7 o'clock, that the panic sets in and begins to choke me. And there is no one to help chase it away.
God I feel so sad. I can't even explain it. Why should I be able? I am told that I have never loved. That I don't care. Not so. I just have to shut this off because I can't live this way any more I can't. I am watching PBS, it is a documentary about Peter, Paul and Mary. The tears are pouring down my face and I can't turn it off. I. growls in anger. She is bored. I want to sing. I have lost my accompaniment. I don't know if I will ever sing again. "Why are you crying like a baby?!" she demands. And I have no answer. I just try to wipe the tears away with the back of my hand.
"The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind" the familiar melody, she looks over and smiles. "I know this one!"
"The line it is drawn, the curse it is cast..." There is a harmonic melding in the words of Bobby Dylan that makes my heart ache for all the times that the music was our only saviour. Now it is no more. There is silence.
In my Portuguese class this sweet little girl who has a university radio show offered to play me whatever I wanted, and I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to hear. Everything makes me think of what I have left behind. I desperately need new music that I have never heard before, that I can't even understand, because it is the only thing that won't hurt.
God I feel so sad. I can't even explain it. Why should I be able? I am told that I have never loved. That I don't care. Not so. I just have to shut this off because I can't live this way any more I can't. I am watching PBS, it is a documentary about Peter, Paul and Mary. The tears are pouring down my face and I can't turn it off. I. growls in anger. She is bored. I want to sing. I have lost my accompaniment. I don't know if I will ever sing again. "Why are you crying like a baby?!" she demands. And I have no answer. I just try to wipe the tears away with the back of my hand.
"The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind" the familiar melody, she looks over and smiles. "I know this one!"
"The line it is drawn, the curse it is cast..." There is a harmonic melding in the words of Bobby Dylan that makes my heart ache for all the times that the music was our only saviour. Now it is no more. There is silence.
In my Portuguese class this sweet little girl who has a university radio show offered to play me whatever I wanted, and I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to hear. Everything makes me think of what I have left behind. I desperately need new music that I have never heard before, that I can't even understand, because it is the only thing that won't hurt.
posted by ilana at 8:05 p.m.
3 Comments:
Sadness totally sucks!!!! It is so bizarre to keep reading of things that happen to you, that you are feeling and find out that we are both at the same place. As for the music, again, the same thing: I definitely need new stuff for everything I hear brings back memories that I'd like to leave behind; and music my dear Ila has always been more than a comfort to me, it has been much more than that, so it's not something I can dettach from my nature...
Ila: :( Esos son los precios que uno nunca quisiera pagar. A mí también me pasaba que le tenía terror a las noches porque era cuando más atrapada me sentía. Y Sí, tenés que cambiar de música. tengo mucha mucha, latina, con sabor, argentina. Decime y lo mando vía DHLibélula. Besos y abrazos, munchos munchos.
Flor, I know sweetie, I hope that things are getting easier for you, too. Send V. a big hug, too because I think it is hardest on the kids to see there moms and dads so sad.
Sole, con gusto recibo la libélula con alas abiertas:) a ver cuando te metes a "hablar" conmigo por escritura sincrónica... Y también recibo los besos y abrazos y aún quiero más ;)
Gracias amigas, de todo corazón.
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