As is usual
someone as already said it better and felt it more fiercely than I...
sigh.
My Ani hiatus has been far too long, it coincides, almost perfectly, with my self-silenced voice. What was I afraid of? Unleashing the monster of my true feelings, exposing them like a naked wire ready to spark at the lightest touch, grating metal slicing fireworks into the night?
I think I was afraid of confronting my dissatisfaction. Or of confronting the reality of my unhappiness. Afraid that in five years the anger would have gone away and then I would be left with the guilt for having felt the things that I did.
Five years have passed. Yup! the anger's still there (I checked) so I guess the self-imposed censure was unwarranted after all. Oh yeah, the guilt is still there, but I am trying to teach it to metamorphose into something more productive.
Why can't I write this without the tears welling up in my eyes? Well I am ready to embrace the angry womanhood, and join the ranks of the righteous babes once again... and yet... this is how I am feeling, trying to reconcile what I know is true with what I have to do, what I dread with what I need, but no more silence, not from myself, anyhow.
Says Ani DiFranco:
i think i'm done gunnin to get closer
to some imagined bliss
i gotta knuckle down
and just be ok with this
i'm gonna knuckle down
just be ok with this
'course that star struck girl is already someone i miss
Says me:
Amen to that sister, self deception is sometimes the only way to go.
sigh.
My Ani hiatus has been far too long, it coincides, almost perfectly, with my self-silenced voice. What was I afraid of? Unleashing the monster of my true feelings, exposing them like a naked wire ready to spark at the lightest touch, grating metal slicing fireworks into the night?
I think I was afraid of confronting my dissatisfaction. Or of confronting the reality of my unhappiness. Afraid that in five years the anger would have gone away and then I would be left with the guilt for having felt the things that I did.
Five years have passed. Yup! the anger's still there (I checked) so I guess the self-imposed censure was unwarranted after all. Oh yeah, the guilt is still there, but I am trying to teach it to metamorphose into something more productive.
Why can't I write this without the tears welling up in my eyes? Well I am ready to embrace the angry womanhood, and join the ranks of the righteous babes once again... and yet... this is how I am feeling, trying to reconcile what I know is true with what I have to do, what I dread with what I need, but no more silence, not from myself, anyhow.
Says Ani DiFranco:
i think i'm done gunnin to get closer
to some imagined bliss
i gotta knuckle down
and just be ok with this
i'm gonna knuckle down
just be ok with this
'course that star struck girl is already someone i miss
Says me:
Amen to that sister, self deception is sometimes the only way to go.
posted by ilana at 8:41 p.m.
1 Comments:
Right back at you... You know, however over-used those words are, it still feels good to tell people you love them, especially in your own language.
Tonight brought some good news and good Indian food. yum... pretty soon the waiters will be able to know our order before we even sit down...
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