Culinary catastrophes and lessons learned

Although I may make myself out to be a miracle worker in the kitchen (a role that I like to play no matter how for granted I may be taken) I, too, have bad days.

Sometimes salvage missions go terribly wrong...

Take for example last week's attempt a making a guava jam. When I was sick (seems so long ago now) I kept thinking, "why don't I go get some guayabas, everything will be better then." And then lo, at the neighborhood co-op there, in the reduced produce section, they leapt forth as if meant for only me. Except... they were not the smooth yellow-skinned ones of "home" but rather had a dark green and slightly more bumpy texture. They purported to be "Hawaiian pineapple guava" but they still had the distinctly pungent scent that I so desired, and a kilo for a buck, well how could I go wrong?

Thing is... I don't know this kind of fruit and it didn't taste like I wanted it, actually it didn't feel like I wanted it. Instead of the soft, sweet, pinkish center, it had a sallow, jaundiced look about it and it was mealy, grainy and in all other ways unpleasant (ok big confession for the day, I do have an oral fixation - always have a pen or something in my mouth- but I am hyper-picky about the textures of my food... I know I am totally neurotic, I am embracing the neuras). So I let them hang for about a week in my fruit basket and when I finally had time to spend in the kitchen (last friday), baked brownies for my colleagues and superiors (nothing like "buttering" them up with chocolate that goes straight to the hypothalamus:), made an Ilana version of Mexican lentil soup (tomato, garlic, onion, chile, cilantro and kielbasa sauteed and added to the previously cooked lentils - veggies can easily omit kielbasa) and decided that it was time to make good use of the otherwise not good guavas. But... half had already gone bad, the other half were not at all sweet and when I added them to the pot with water to simmer they needed extra sugar, and... I got distracted, as I am wont to do, by abstractions in front of an LCD.

Lesson learned: if it smells like smoke, something is probably burning.

One week later, after boiling, soaking, adding bicarbonate and more, I have given up on dislodging the burned sugar from the bottom of my stainless steel pot (this is why I should invest in cast iron cookware - I know, some day, when I have a cozy farm house and the fog rolls in off the water, and the horses are in their stable to the side of the house).

I also had a run-in with the non-flammable effects of heat on Triple-sec. I. wanted french toast, and while I had to cut the edges from the bread (I can't figure it out, but the heartier the grains in the bread I get are, the more prone to rapid molding they seem to be), I had a handful of bananas that were ready for rapid consumption, so I thought I would flambé them with some liqueur instead of the staple maple syrup. Sauteed in butter and sugar is a banana's most glorious form, and the light orange syrup that is left promised to be a delicate addition to the morning. Problem was, of course, that I added it too soon, and then I could find no matches, and I desperately tried burning napkin corners on the other burner, but each time I brought the flame near the pan, it was damped. After the third try, I humbly gave up.

Lesson learned: if you mean to flambé something, have matches ready as soon as you pour the alcohol.

But while I am on the topic of food, I might as well share a few serendipitous discoveries too.

Discovery 1: Cooked radish makes an excellent stand-in for mushrooms.
Don't ask, some times these flashes of experimentation swoop down upon me. I made a cream-based pasta sauce that included zuchini, but I had all these sliced radishes left over from the pozole guarnishing, and I remembered that although I never ever buy or cook them, parsnips and turnips are quite good when cooked, and radish seemed like it might do the same sort of thing. In fact it did! It loses its bitterness and although it doesn't get altogether soft, it has a texture similar to that of a mushroom at its prime moment, just wilted but not soggy.

Discovery 2: Swiss Chard is wonderful (but much better when you don't leave it three weeks in a sealed bag thereby having to throw out half of it after picking through) in fritattas. I was on another rescue mission and feeling a bit adventurous (I wanted to make a quiche, like the tartas de acelgas that I so loved back in Miramar, but had no pie crust nor any desire to make one from scratch) so I sauteed what remained of the fresh nopales (after, of course, washing the slime from the cactus), the rainbow chard, onion, garlic and mushrooms, in the bottom of a deep calphalon pot (these pots don't stick, and yes they are very good, although I still can't understand why a set of pots and pans should cost almost $500, I mean, they are not that good). Then I added cubes of queso fresco (panela) which in English is a light, rubbery sort of pressed, semi-hard cheese - a bit like paneer in the Indian tradition, and finally the beaten egg, I covered it and let it rise up, and all told was pleased with the results.

So, I have been starving (not literally, in fact I have been eating a reasonable amount at proper intervals) but I just feel famished for the last three days. Can you tell?