New Years Intentions
I tend to do these yearly reflections, mostly for myself, though in some ways imposed by culture: Holidays, birthdays, new years, they make good taking-stock moments in any case, and there is the sense of calendaric wonder, that, by the magical art of the clock striking twelve, we are given permission to re-invent ourselves, project a better self without having to explain why we are suddenly so moved.
These days I feel rather short on resolve, in some earth-shattering sense, to reformulate myself in the image of some other more perfect version of myself, or of someone else entirely. I likewise don't have any powerful predictions for this coming year, I can't guarantee outcomes, though I do feel a twinge of hopefulness. And quite a bit of gratitude. I am grateful for the people who have come into my life and helped me grow, shown me kindness, reciprocity and care. I am grateful too for the people who have left me, in search of their own truths, their own salves to heal wounds. And I am so grateful for the possibility of becoming...
Thus, I have a few intentions.
The first is to focus more on what I want for me, rather than what I want because someone external to me wants it.
No, no, I'm not declaring a year of graceless selfishness, but rather the opposite. I want to make the next cycle around the sun one in which I say an enthusiastic yes! to projects, ideas, adventures that are born of love, discovery and that align with my personal goals first, and take a step back, even sometimes saying a firm, but gentle "no" to those activities that I know will drain my energies and reserves. Even things that sound like fun, you know, like the concert Friday night! or the fascinating talk on Tuesday at 7! or, you know, the anxiety-driven binge-watching of 90s television shows on laptops in bed. I want to remind myself to take a deep breath and say, I'm gonna sit this one out if I need to. And I am not going to allow guilt trips to cross the threshold of my door.
I also have an intention that it is not about looking better, or being more lovable, or productive, or brilliant or giving, or patient, or... no.
My wish is not only for myself, of course, but I will start with myself, as an act of training: I wish for, and will willfully practice my own mental processes so that I may be less critical and more able to see first what I am doing right, rather than what I am failing to do. I am tired, so many of us are. Tired of being angry and outraged, tired of being overworked and undervalued, tired of participating whether willingly or under duress, in a system that strips us of humanity, commodifying our most intimate behaviors. I intend to look for the flowers rather than the cracks in the sidewalk, search for the beautiful turn of phrase on the page, rather than the typo, focus on the spirit of collaboration rather than conspiracy. I intend to look at myself through eyes of love, look at my daughter, my family, my friends... and be grateful for everything that we do for each other, even when it is hard, even when it feels overwhelmingly heavy.
My final intention is to ask for what I want from the universe despite my fear, and accept what it offers.
I have the hardest time believing that I deserve even the things I have worked tirelessly to achieve. I know I am not alone in this. So my last intention on the cusp of this yearly shift is to stop punishing myself for things outside my control, and focus on the things that I can cultivate, instead. I want to strive for the things that I most want, and not be ruled by a fear of rejection or failure. I want, rather to be guided by the love that I have poured into them. I want to believe that I am meant to find peace, that the same humanity and kindness I see in others, the dignity that I fight for, is in me, too. So, even when confronted with the ache of a lost friendship, or the sting of a rejection, to let it roll off, not burrow down into my soul and lay waste. I want to absorb less pain , and ask for more love. And of course, I want to give it, too.
May the coming year provide a clear path to your deepest desires, one of self-reflection and challenge, one of care and gratitude.
These days I feel rather short on resolve, in some earth-shattering sense, to reformulate myself in the image of some other more perfect version of myself, or of someone else entirely. I likewise don't have any powerful predictions for this coming year, I can't guarantee outcomes, though I do feel a twinge of hopefulness. And quite a bit of gratitude. I am grateful for the people who have come into my life and helped me grow, shown me kindness, reciprocity and care. I am grateful too for the people who have left me, in search of their own truths, their own salves to heal wounds. And I am so grateful for the possibility of becoming...
Thus, I have a few intentions.
The first is to focus more on what I want for me, rather than what I want because someone external to me wants it.
No, no, I'm not declaring a year of graceless selfishness, but rather the opposite. I want to make the next cycle around the sun one in which I say an enthusiastic yes! to projects, ideas, adventures that are born of love, discovery and that align with my personal goals first, and take a step back, even sometimes saying a firm, but gentle "no" to those activities that I know will drain my energies and reserves. Even things that sound like fun, you know, like the concert Friday night! or the fascinating talk on Tuesday at 7! or, you know, the anxiety-driven binge-watching of 90s television shows on laptops in bed. I want to remind myself to take a deep breath and say, I'm gonna sit this one out if I need to. And I am not going to allow guilt trips to cross the threshold of my door.
I also have an intention that it is not about looking better, or being more lovable, or productive, or brilliant or giving, or patient, or... no.
My wish is not only for myself, of course, but I will start with myself, as an act of training: I wish for, and will willfully practice my own mental processes so that I may be less critical and more able to see first what I am doing right, rather than what I am failing to do. I am tired, so many of us are. Tired of being angry and outraged, tired of being overworked and undervalued, tired of participating whether willingly or under duress, in a system that strips us of humanity, commodifying our most intimate behaviors. I intend to look for the flowers rather than the cracks in the sidewalk, search for the beautiful turn of phrase on the page, rather than the typo, focus on the spirit of collaboration rather than conspiracy. I intend to look at myself through eyes of love, look at my daughter, my family, my friends... and be grateful for everything that we do for each other, even when it is hard, even when it feels overwhelmingly heavy.
My final intention is to ask for what I want from the universe despite my fear, and accept what it offers.
I have the hardest time believing that I deserve even the things I have worked tirelessly to achieve. I know I am not alone in this. So my last intention on the cusp of this yearly shift is to stop punishing myself for things outside my control, and focus on the things that I can cultivate, instead. I want to strive for the things that I most want, and not be ruled by a fear of rejection or failure. I want, rather to be guided by the love that I have poured into them. I want to believe that I am meant to find peace, that the same humanity and kindness I see in others, the dignity that I fight for, is in me, too. So, even when confronted with the ache of a lost friendship, or the sting of a rejection, to let it roll off, not burrow down into my soul and lay waste. I want to absorb less pain , and ask for more love. And of course, I want to give it, too.
May the coming year provide a clear path to your deepest desires, one of self-reflection and challenge, one of care and gratitude.
posted by ilana at 3:58 p.m.
1 Comments:
Hermosa. Te quiero, amiga.
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