beautiful birthday

I hate birthdays, always have. It isn't so much that I mind getting older, in fact, mostly I still feel like a neophyte with nothing to offer the world... but it is the expectation. It was never as good as I wanted it to be. Never as exciting. School almost always ended on or around my birthday, which, while it is a nice present in and of itself, tends to overshadow the actual importance (or imagined importance) of my special day. It sent people spinning in whirls of dispersion, far from any sort of unified showing or celebration in my honor.

Of course there were a few notable exceptions, one year there was a surprise party at the Swim club, of course, it was a shared celebration for me and my brother (who, by the way has his birthday 6 months before or after, depending on how you look at it). Anyway, point is, my parent's anniversary is two days before, and Father's day on or right after, and for whatever reason (let's call it narcissistic self-involvement for now) nobody ever made me feel very special. I mean, I always got a present or two, and a card (my mom is obsessed with cards) but they were never ceremonious enough to make me feel like they were much more than an afterthought. I know, I know, poor little spoiled girl. It isn't that, I have never cared much about amassing things, it is, like jokes, all in the delivery.

At the end of this birthday however (it ended today, really, with me picking up I. from Kirsten's house and spending the day with K., P. et. al. at the beach) I have no new things to call my own, and yet, it was the best birthday I have had in quite some time. No, no parties held in my honor, nothing like that, just simple little things, a night at the LA Opera - La Traviata (gorgeous), a phone call from Costa Rica (Sole) and another one from NY (my dear friend Jen --who I have known since we were 5? and who I rarely see, but when we do, it is as if no time has passed, even if there are 7 years between the last visit-- just directed a play that was favorably reviewed in the New York Times!) a finished final paper that made me feel proud of myself, virtual cards from virtual friends (Oscar, Flo), and a lunch in the sun with my baby on her last day of kindergarten. I can't really explain it all, but I feel so very alive. And so very lucky to have such wonderful friends in my life.

Next week it is off to Boston, to visit Laura, and Jenny (who will be on a serendipitously coincidental business trip) and then to Portugal where I will be computerless (and happy about that) beyond internet cafés. Finally K. (childless K.) will be meeting me in Lisbon and we will head north through Galicia, País Vasco, perhaps through the Pyrenees and down to Barcelona, then to Andalucía, and finally to Madrid to see la tía Loli and my boy Antonio (who promises to take me to the best gay bars in the city).

Thank you to all my dear friends (you know who you are), you really mean so much to me and I love you.