so many bad news
I think it is better when bad things happen to you, as opposed to people that you care about.
When it is a personal bad thing, you just suck it up and deal, or go off and cry by yourself, or curl up in a ball on your bed, twisted among the sheets.
When it happens to someone else, you just feel impotent and miserable but without being able to do anything productive. It is especially hard when you are one of the myriad bad things that happens to someone else, then it is almost unbearable.
Now my head just hurts from the crying, or the forgetting to eat all day, or the staying out way too late last night because it felt so good to be singing with the Brazilian boys. Then this morning the painful phone call on my way to taking Isabella to school (I was soooo late that their nap mats were already set out) and more confusion.
She at least brightened my day for a moment with her sharp commentary: "All kids are gifted... except boys!" What? I had to laugh though, even though I probably come across as what a painful sorespot in my life liked to call "feminazis", I have a weak spot for the weaker sex, and I do think that there are a few redeeming qualities amid the grunting and groping... especially when they are children, then there is still hope.
Whispered aside: This is the same skinny boy with glasses who forced me to listen to all things not "fem-rock" but then listened to Harry Connick Jr.... funny, I heard that he is making music for films in NYC - curious what people from past lives end up doing...how dare they continue to exist beyond our fantasy constructions of them?!!!
So more on bad things, but perhaps not totally bad... well the death part is bad, but the other stuff, may end up being a blessing for everyone involved, it will just take some time and perspective to ascertain the underlying (or not) value. And then there were also a few good things. All in one day. It was like a Russian mountain... ups and downs and a hell of a fast ride, but too much is _still_ too much and my head has had about half past too much today. I don't know how I am even seeing straight. Oh wait, I am not... I am racing against the migraine, which is strangely settling in over my right eye instead of its usual preference for the left, and if I can just squeeze out a few more words I will go forth, and against my personal ethic, take a painkiller.
See, this I can manage. I can write away my own pain, but writing, it seems, has the opposite effect on other people's pain.
I may just stop writing.
Maybe.
not?
When it is a personal bad thing, you just suck it up and deal, or go off and cry by yourself, or curl up in a ball on your bed, twisted among the sheets.
When it happens to someone else, you just feel impotent and miserable but without being able to do anything productive. It is especially hard when you are one of the myriad bad things that happens to someone else, then it is almost unbearable.
Now my head just hurts from the crying, or the forgetting to eat all day, or the staying out way too late last night because it felt so good to be singing with the Brazilian boys. Then this morning the painful phone call on my way to taking Isabella to school (I was soooo late that their nap mats were already set out) and more confusion.
She at least brightened my day for a moment with her sharp commentary: "All kids are gifted... except boys!" What? I had to laugh though, even though I probably come across as what a painful sorespot in my life liked to call "feminazis", I have a weak spot for the weaker sex, and I do think that there are a few redeeming qualities amid the grunting and groping... especially when they are children, then there is still hope.
Whispered aside: This is the same skinny boy with glasses who forced me to listen to all things not "fem-rock" but then listened to Harry Connick Jr.... funny, I heard that he is making music for films in NYC - curious what people from past lives end up doing...how dare they continue to exist beyond our fantasy constructions of them?!!!
So more on bad things, but perhaps not totally bad... well the death part is bad, but the other stuff, may end up being a blessing for everyone involved, it will just take some time and perspective to ascertain the underlying (or not) value. And then there were also a few good things. All in one day. It was like a Russian mountain... ups and downs and a hell of a fast ride, but too much is _still_ too much and my head has had about half past too much today. I don't know how I am even seeing straight. Oh wait, I am not... I am racing against the migraine, which is strangely settling in over my right eye instead of its usual preference for the left, and if I can just squeeze out a few more words I will go forth, and against my personal ethic, take a painkiller.
See, this I can manage. I can write away my own pain, but writing, it seems, has the opposite effect on other people's pain.
I may just stop writing.
Maybe.
not?
posted by ilana at 9:28 p.m.
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