Clouds

"I've looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it's cloud's illusions I recall, I really don't know clouds... at all." Joni Mitchell

The sky is darkening, casting a lovely gloom, but strangely, not reflecting or affecting my mood. I feel very sleepy, and a little in pain (bike and basket with full bag o'books fell over on my hand -trying to catch it and dropping everything else, as usual - this morning, making the manipulation of chalk more of a challenge than usual), but mostly ok. I guess it is ok to not feel everything a flor de piel, not always, passions can be trimmed, tied back, let back down when the coast is clear, like the hair I am thinking of cutting off, or changing its color...red? Probably wouldn't suit me, but something has got to be done. I found three more white hairs! and the Alps are melting!!! Why do these two things find themselves with equal crisis mode in my brain?

Oh right, because I am a narcissistic fuck up. No? Really because they are two equally frustrating, and unchangeable facts of life as we know it. I can't do anything about global warming even though it scares the pants off me. And the outward signs of aging? Yeah, I know, I am too young to co-opt the crisis of aging, it is just that I feel so very old so much of the time, and I am rattling my cage to forget, in the frenetic movement, that I have done nothing grandiose or noteworthy in my time on the planet.

Like so many others before me. But not, I fear, so many after me.

Today I will ignore those things over which I have no control. I will try to just be. And think about the myriad possibilities that have rolled up and parked themselves on my doorstep.