The 80's radio show or a public apologia

No, not really. Darling M. what can I say? I am sorry. I love you. (I really do) and, I am always wrong. (but not about loving you, man, that didn't come out right!)

Suddenly all the disjointed lyrics of my marauding youth are sliding out from beneath their rocks. (mostly, I think the Neville brothers) you see, I was a radio whore, listened to everything and anything, rather indiscriminately, which may account for how I turned out:(

"How am I supposed to live without you?... now that I've been loving you so long..."

and

"If you don't know me by now... you will never, ever....know me"

or

"Baby sometimes love just ain't enough"

And yes, I know that these less-than-eloquent lyrics are from *my* youth and not yours, my awful country and not yours, and therefore probably silly and incomprehensible (meaning, they mean more than the words, which of course you can read, but they don't sum up the hours spent alone in my little-girl bedroom wallowing in vicarious agony).

I am so profoundly sad, and I am so sorry that I have excised you from my life. (God, I have haven't I?) I didn't mean it to happen. I don't know if I could fix what I have broken, or if you would still be around to hear me. I will try, but I fear that trying one's patience is the only thing that I am very good at.

You were my best friend and now we can't even talk. You blame me for being who I was when you met me, as if we are all just doomed to follow the same patterns of escape. (see "Hombres Necios" de Sor Juana) Wait a minute, are we? One's previous actions are indicators of future behaviour? We are eternally trapped into living out the same situations over and over? I guess that is probably true, but on the other hand, my hands are not the only ones that are dirty. I believed in you. I did, forever. I did and I do, but I just don't know if I believe in forever anymore. I think that the world may be ending soon.

"I guess I'll never really be able to tell you, how sorry I am" (jump to the late 90's non-radio shaved-headed folk-punk diva)

What do I do today? Or tomorrow? How do we un-live our mistakes or erase our feelings? Why do I need to hold you even as I know I am all wrong for you? Why is all of this so predictably banal? You think that I am caught up in my ego, and perhaps there is some validity to that. But you also think that everything you have done has been just for me, and that, I am afraid is not true.

Are we in a better place than we were 5 years ago? I think the answer is yes.
Have we progressed as individuals? Absolutely.
Do we have an amazing child that loves us BOTH? Yes... you should not blame her for my transgressions, it is just not fair.

I am afraid of breaking apart, and I am afraid of staying still, stuck in the mud. I am afraid of hurting you, or of limiting you, or keeping you by my side when maybe you would be happier by the side of another, and I am afraid of the reproachful silence that reigns. And, let's be honest, I am deathly afraid of limiting myself.

Here you are, out and in the public light. You are so important to me (but I doubt that this will make you feel any better). I am suddenly overwhelmed with everything I don't and will never know, and the answers that used to seem obvious, are shrouded in uncertainty. I have no more answers, and I am beginning to hate the questions.

This seems rather inappropriate, and you will probably be more angry for me publicizing our private pain, than you will be happy that I have included you in my story. That is just the way it goes.

"Mira el arbol que ha crecido, con el corazón y el sudor... no hay que sacrificarlo" The most beautiful song you ever wrote for me, or for yourself, or for us both. I just don't know what is wrong with me.