To do:

Today's to do list... I will accomplish all this and more, I swear! Ok. maybe not. I will try, really, really hard...

1) Grade midterms for Colonial Lit class. (not be too evil)
2) Glance over, grade and factor in extra credit (x 60 or more)
3) Mark attendance based on exams...
:. be caught up on readership = not failing miserably.

4) Grade quizzes for my class. (make notes of what was not captured, in general, to review on monday)

5)Wash piling tower of dishes (where they come from, I don't know, it is not like we actually ate at home...)
6) Borrow cart and haul laundry to laundry room.

7)Not behave badly. (never happening. I _am_ a complete failure.)


Why the harsh judgments? I can't seem to make deals with myself that will stick. I am a glutton for emotional punishment. I am a bad mother, although I did get to hold Isabella (she actually sat still for 5 whole minutes) and look into her beautiful eyes, while she kissed my face repeatedly. I hadn't noticed, or maybe this is a new development, but she has a dark grey circle that encloses the deep, glossy brown of her otherwise seamless eyes. I have no backbone. I have no gumption. I have no resolve. I got up early but then returned to lounge around bed until the late afternoon. I am going to create gender confusion for Isabella by not repressing her need to lounge naked with me. (Now this I am unsure about, am I going to screw her up?) I just can't tell her it is wrong for her to try to extract milk from whence it once came. She thought that the hole had gone away, even though she constantly reminds me that when she has a baby sister and brother they too will be given milk... and she will get the other available breast, as eating too much can be harmful for the imaginary wee ones...
I am also bad because I am having fantasies about more children some day. Even though I am thoroughly incapable of keeping my own shit together, even for a day... People like me should not _ever_ be allowed to have children again... but that doesn't make the desire go away. I will read my own thoughts on boycotting reproduction. I will buy into it. Perhaps I will flee. One might laugh at this due to my ridiculously backwards life situation, but I am sort of a commitment-phobe... the idea of permanence seems so cashed... ARghhhhhhhhhh! I want the eternal present, the today with no thought for tomorrow, or twenty years from now. I can't even do today right, so how can I consider that I can plan for tomorrow. And then the deep-rooted need to make plans pops his ugly head back out...

I dream of a little boy, climbing up the side of a mountain, laughing, head thrown back. How can I have a career and be a mother? I should have thought of that, now shouldn't I? I think that so many young couples (and older ones, too) get divorced because they ultimately need to divide household labor (including child-rearing) in a more equitable split, and physically removing themselves is the only way to acheive this. Where are the answers?!!@!!!!!!

8) I will get a grip. (nothing is ever as wonderfully enticing, nor as heart-rendingly horrible as it appears from a distance)