2008 in review

Let's face it. The new year has come in with more of a fizzle than a bang. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, or maybe it is, something akin to the muffled wetness of a persistent mucous laden cough. That was how my 2008 ended. It began in the best of company, coddled in Kirsten's down comforter, alone on her new living-room's couch. Yeah.

Fizzle pop.

What can I say? I haven't written in a diary sort of way in such a long time, I am guaranteed to be my only reader, and ultimately, that's all one can really wish for when writing such self-involved (yet necessary) reports on life.

What's so special about the new year? Well, other than the fact that I missed it by about a week here, nothing in particular. It marks a sort of a good resting point, a place to glance back at the mad rush that is life and reflect, albeit briefly. Last year I suggested that 2008 would be "The Year of Sleeping Alone". I was mistaken. I don't expect to be quite so wrong this time around when I suggest that 2009 will be "The Year of the Dissertation."

It's going, despite the penchant I have for finding all manners of work not my own to fill in the blank spaces of time that should be allotted to my writing. I am a firm believer in the idea that texts have their own rhythm, and that rushing that rhythm will not, in fact, render an inferior product, but will simply render nothing at all. I am like to ruminate when it comes to large writing projects, think about them, toy with them, have anxiety dreams about them, write passages in my head only to find that I already wrote something very similar a month back, the last time I put "pen" to paper. Ah well. Here's to constancy.

This last month has been more about watching films, selecting and reviewing for the film festival than much other work, though I did in fact give myself (though goy I am not) a Christmas present of sitting down and writing several pages of the dissertation. I meant this first week back to classes to be dedicated to serious writing, as I am now ready for that, but as it turns out, other projects had their designs on me. Monday is a new week, right?

What noteworthy events can I review in these brief lines from the year past?
It started in the bay area and it ended in the bay area. 2 more points for constancy! Yippee. Kirsten moved back from the east coast, and the more I think about it, the more I want to live somewhere in at least comfortable weekend visiting range of her. If not around the corner or next door. My other dear Kirsten moved to Mexico and then Minnesota, but, so I hear, misses California more than she imagined. Jenny is going to tie the knot and despite the adventures with bridezilla for her brother's wedding has taken to planning her own (much more considerate) wedding for next fall. Laura is in Denver, and finally settling in to a better work situation. I have yet to visit, but it will be remedied this summer, I hope, on a cross-country trip that is in the planning stages. Cheyla and Nico have a gorgeous baby girl, Bekki and Nate had their girl, too and I. and C. are having a good time being big sisters. David is finally getting over heartbreak and Nico is slowly, ever so slowly finding what his heart desires. So those are my people. Or at least my chosen people, in a nut-shell.

Last winter was a bit of a lonely affair. I. was still in NH with my parents and I was here, alone, working working working, but not getting too far. And the one person whose voice I most wanted to hear was off in his country and out of range. I managed to keep myself busy and out of trouble, or at least that is what I will claim here, publicly. The hardest part was going 8 weeks without my baby, and despite our visit in Florida in February, I was ready to be full-time mommy by the end of my winter quarter. So, I hopped on a plane that took far too many hours to cross the country, but fortunately, at the other end there was someone waiting to pick up my bags and take me home. And I have been the happier for it ever since.

My cousin Sam's wedding meant learning the blessings to sing in Hebrew, and a three-week visit with my big bro, whose passports mysteriously vanished sometime before his trip. As he is wont to do, he managed to save the day as only Ari can, making it to New England with one whole day to spare for the dress rehearsal.

We took a family trip down the coast, stopping in Baltimore and the "hon" district to visit with Kirsten, then to Bethesda where we stayed with cousins of my father that I had not seen since I was 12, I think. Things have changed, to say the least. Jenny, who now lives in Georgetown met us at the public Zoo and we spent some quality time with her and Adam, and then her some more. We wandered through the memorial parks in the rain and had a family reunion of sorts, as well.

I read for my dissertation topic, watched films mostly Mexican, Colombian and Brazilian and went to the gym three or four times a week, dedicating my afternoons to my little girl. A life with no car. At least not during the week.

Later in the spring, on several long weekends, I took to exploring the northeast, places that I know and have known, but so much more wonderful and peaceful with the right company. New York and New Jersey, Montreal, Vermont (where I visited a dear old girlfriend from my college days, Alison).

Before I knew it, it was time to take I. to Mexico and to return to California to teach for the summer. I left her in good hands at her grandmother's house and spent a week of rapid-fire culture and visits with Sara, at the house on Fresas. I felt an emptiness in my chest that couldn't be filled as I contemplated my return to my house.
I was certainly not ready to go back to my life of loneliness, and in fact I didn't have to (though it didn't mitigate my missing certain people!) because Nico was in the house, waiting for me, and we spent the next several weeks, despite the Goleta Gap fire that raged not far from us, watching films and youtube reruns of 80's television until the wee hours of the night. In the middle of all that, Jenny came for July 4th weekend and then I accompanied her in Orange county for several more days, meeting her colleauges and eating wonderous meals of Vegetarian Vietnamese food, and all sorts of sea-fairing arthropods. Jenny, having such experience of dissertation angst, coached me on my way, and I am still grateful for the advice she gave me.

The day my class ended, I hopped on a plane back to the east coast. Loneliness be damned! and luggage be retrieved. Perhaps the most wonderful part of this trip was getting to hike Mt. Monadnock in the middle of the week, and watching my mother in action at her job on several occasions (research for the next novel! filed neatly away in this little brain of mine). I schlepped the remainder of I.'s belongings back across the continent, picked up my car and drove to San Diego, then Tijuana, and then back to San Diego for my friend Danielle's wedding. And then it was time for us to come home. Finally.

Peaceful dissertation writing was, however, a distant and fleeting hope, as my fall quarter was consumed in readjusting to school for I. and to teaching myself, visits from people I needed to see, including, but not limited to my brother who had never seen my house out here. I. was a busy bee, doing theater, singing the lead in her play, and playing water polo several times a week. She managed to find time for hours of play with C. her "sister" and we tend to eat with her family at least once if not three times a week. I find myself finally having it "together". I got everything in my life figured out, just in time to have to graduate, leave this place and start all over. But, I don't think I'll mind as much. No, I am quite sure I won't.

So, Thanksgiving was, as always a happy affair, and made happier by a surprise visitor that knows just how to make me smile. Then, the following weekend, Ben and Heather, whose wedding I attended two years back, and though they live in LA, have not seen since, came for a lovely afternoon of delicious and perfected (if I do say so myself) risotto with portabello mushrooms and asparagus. Then, I fell ill. I managed to pull myself through it by cooking up storms. We made Christmas cookies with David and his friends, decorated his tree and then spent a night with Kik before I crumbled into the muffled wetness of the aforementioned illness. It was more likely heartsickness than anything else, but it gets better.

And so, here we are. My parents came on the day of Christmas, having no religious affiliation with that day. And the next day we were off, driving up the Pacific Coast Highway, stopping in Monterey to do the 17-mile drive, and up the coast to San Francisco where we had Basque food with Kirsten and her Mom and Bill, finally explored the Exploratorium (where we ran into I.'s school friend), ate clam chowder in sourdough bowls. We drove up to Marin, stopped in Muir woods, but continued due to throngs of visitors, and picnicked on Stinson beach, where I. found two beautiful sand dollars of her own. We ate dim sum at Ton Kiang (up Geary, not in chinatown) with Cheyla and Nico (and the baby who refrained from eating such delicacies, though she seemed quite intent on trying) after her interview at the MLA. As we finished eating in yet another display of serendipity, I.'s New Hampshire babysitter and her parents walked in the door, at 3 pm on a Monday afternoon. After expressions of shock and joy were concluded, we wandered about the ruins of the Sutro Baths, just below the Cliff House. We visited Alcatraz on New Year's Eve day, saw old friends from when my parents lived in Spain, and all toghether (after I escaped myself to cook and dine with Kirsten, Becca, Katie and others) on New Year's Day, amid more visitors than I thought imaginable, we went to Golden Gate park and braved the Cal Academy of Science. It was worth it. Our last night took us to the Berkeley Marina, where we relaxed and I. swam to her little heart's content. We waited to have lunch with Alex and Alice, our friends who lost their 27-year old daughter in a tragic accident last spring. It was good to see them, good to offer sympathies in person, though their pain is unimaginable to me.

I came home, to cook a full Spanish meal for my beloved advisor, Sara, so she could meet my father (she knows mom), and then send my parents on their way the following morning.

So, if 2009 is anything like its first weeks, it looks to be a productive joyful year in which loneliness is allayed, and work (and friends) is the central focus. We shall see.

I have resolved to: a) keep the ultimate goal in mind b) be more aware of setting boundaries for myself c) love openly and freely