I'm in love!
Ok, so I announce this to the world on a semi-regular basis... the English language lacks proper diversity in expression of strong emotion, what can I say?
With whom? With what? Well... my new dietician, lovely woman. No, I am not in *love* love, just left her office with that feeling of euphoria reserved for the moving of mountains and other small feats.
Hey, anyone who tells me I that I am in great health and that I have to eat more... well, clearly you can ascertain my cause for elation.
Here's the thing: if I were into BDSM (which I am not, or if I am, you don't get to read about it here) I would be a submissive. This may seems to go against the grain of my character, a born leader, a talker, a mover and shaker (ha ha) but that is only in one extremely limited sphere... academia. I have always been good at school, my secret? I secretly like following instructions (despite my constantly challenging authority - one of the many contradictions, I know, tough nut to crack). It isn't that I like being a lemming, in fact, it may be what I most despise about human nature, the mob mentality, the "Go with the flow". But if someone sets forth clear and delineated goals for me and asks me to perform, I am programmed, completely incapable of fighting my nature, to jump... (This could be dangerous information if it gets into the wrong hands). Now, complying with my own set of expectations, well that's an entirely other ball of wax (not of the sex variety, despite being in surf country). I like the comfort of the lyceum because you always know how to initmate the right answer, how to please the profe, how to shine... In the real world, not so. Usually, in the real world, I feel opaque, dusty, like the thick plexi-glass windows dented with puck-marks at the ice-rink, damaged by years of mistreatment and accidental blows. I don't know which direction to go.
Und so... I may be going through Freudian transference, but it is so much easier to do the things we want to with someone standing over our shoulder with the stop-watch and whistle, shouting, one more, one more... then we don't have to think about the pain of doing the things that we know we should, we just do what we're told.
With whom? With what? Well... my new dietician, lovely woman. No, I am not in *love* love, just left her office with that feeling of euphoria reserved for the moving of mountains and other small feats.
Hey, anyone who tells me I that I am in great health and that I have to eat more... well, clearly you can ascertain my cause for elation.
Here's the thing: if I were into BDSM (which I am not, or if I am, you don't get to read about it here) I would be a submissive. This may seems to go against the grain of my character, a born leader, a talker, a mover and shaker (ha ha) but that is only in one extremely limited sphere... academia. I have always been good at school, my secret? I secretly like following instructions (despite my constantly challenging authority - one of the many contradictions, I know, tough nut to crack). It isn't that I like being a lemming, in fact, it may be what I most despise about human nature, the mob mentality, the "Go with the flow". But if someone sets forth clear and delineated goals for me and asks me to perform, I am programmed, completely incapable of fighting my nature, to jump... (This could be dangerous information if it gets into the wrong hands). Now, complying with my own set of expectations, well that's an entirely other ball of wax (not of the sex variety, despite being in surf country). I like the comfort of the lyceum because you always know how to initmate the right answer, how to please the profe, how to shine... In the real world, not so. Usually, in the real world, I feel opaque, dusty, like the thick plexi-glass windows dented with puck-marks at the ice-rink, damaged by years of mistreatment and accidental blows. I don't know which direction to go.
Und so... I may be going through Freudian transference, but it is so much easier to do the things we want to with someone standing over our shoulder with the stop-watch and whistle, shouting, one more, one more... then we don't have to think about the pain of doing the things that we know we should, we just do what we're told.
posted by ilana at 5:41 p.m.
4 Comments:
A mí me da sentimientos encontrados. Hago caso un rato y luego me autoindependizo en medio proceso y lo dejo a medio camino... sigh!
¿sería como eyaculación prematura para las chaquetas mentales? - No me creas... soy igual, me falta "follow through" pero practico el auto-engaño con frecuencia. sigh, indeed.
Ilana, me parece que no todas las personas que se manejan muy bien dentro del mundo académico son necesariamente obedientes y sumisas sino más bien increíbles observadores que comprenden cómo funciona un sistema y se desarrollan o crecen dentro de el mismo. Al menos así te visualizo, respirando ese aire de agudeza autocrítica que me parece es un rasgo de inteligencia.
Yuré, thanks for the vote of confidence:)
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