Fire Starter

I remembered! The other day I couldn't recall the title of the 80's film with Drew Barrymore as a possessed devil child. It came to me while reading bible stories (her request) to Isabella, who hijacked me - her baby body enticing me to snuggle instead of work. Coincidence? I think not.

In "Pantera ocular" Luisa Valenzuela makes an extraordinary case for the feline power hidden within all women. We have the choice, and it is we who must excercise our power instead of giving it over to someone else. I read. I understood. I failed to act. The desenlace opcional, an invitation, and me, the social outcast rejecting the offer.

I lied about the SUV. I have one. Sort of. I mean it is not really mine. Or even ours as it is not fully paid for. And I still cannot drive it. Not fully. I am still afraid... and if I can find the damn story about my long line of car crashes I will include it... to explain my fear, although I am sure that no one but me cares about these things anyway.

It really doesn't feel like an SUV, but I suppose that _is_ what a RAV4 is. I mean officially. It is a tiny four-cylinder thing that hardly counts, although it does have a hitch, with pretensions of hauling things. It hauled (not by itself, of course, with M.'s diligent hard work) half of our stuff across the country, with no problems. The only reason that I realized this SUV thing was that I was checking out the Kelley Blue Book to see if it is a worthwhile endeavor to sell the car, or if I should just bite the bullet and get over my fear and learn to drive the damn thing. Tomorrow I will drive it to my down-town lunch date, networking thingy... God I hope I don't get pressured into appearing on television. Of course, I won't have to see myself after all. That is a reassuring thought. Can't handle seeing myself, really - makes me want to vomit.

So it seems that Toyotas really retain their value. Private party price for the car is something like $7000 even with the 105,000 miles and if we take it to the dealership we should still be able to get something like $5,500. Major obstacle. Must pay off close to $4,000 in order to have title in hand, and while I actually _do_ have that in the bank right now, it will all be whisked away in the next week. Evil bills. Evil. Evil.

What do I do? Do I take the student loan money and jockey it over to the car, pay off the loan, sell it, pay the money back to credit cards and then buy a new cheap automatic? Too many decisions weighing on my brain. Arson seems so tempting at times like these. Wish I could just glare really hard at things and watch them spontaneously combust. Isabella and I could be a dastardly duo of super-anti-heroines (she decided she hates princesses now, and loves girl-super-heroes).

Grrr.

Yes, I know I am procrastinating. I know. It just has to be done in order to let me face more tedious treachery.