human again
Ok. That was ugly, truly, but I made it through, one more birthday. One more year.
Summers tend to start out depressing for me. I was trying to figure out why, and it boils down to (I think) the fact that all the pent up stress of the school year, and let's face it, my life has never been on any calendar, but the school one, comes to a head exactly at the same time that my birthday. Huge build up. Huge let down. And the ensuing emptiness, in that evacuated space.
There are mini-cycles, and this university quarter system where we are under duress for 10 week periods thrice a year only works to my detriment. Nevertheless, this birthday, though spent muscling through the last of my work for the school year, with a week to spare before my departure and summer course, was actually quite satisfying.
Let me see. I wanted a party, so I threw myself one, a week early, before everyone dispersed to the winds and their respective native countries. My mom came and baked me my favorite and traditional birthday poppy-seed cake, scolding me periodically for staring blankly at the screen in front of me, while I tried to force my mind back to the task at hand. I. and her little friend Christabel begged for a sleepover, and since one is heading to NH and the other to China in a matter of days, I acquiesced.
Gah. I have to finish this bad boy. I glared at the screen, rubbed my eyes in stupor, whined inwardly about not wanting to do this. By 8 I was still not finished, but Becky and Nate came over, with Christabel's brother, and a bunch of gorgeous flowers, and we stopped for wine, cheese and birthday cake.
It was perfect, low-pressure, and yet still not an unmarked passage. So, I am still not 30, and unlike other years, I don't feel a deep sense of failure. I am not chiding myself for not being more creative, nor lamenting lost opportunities. In fact, the world seems full of possibility to me, today. So the paper was pushed out in labored starts and lurches, gasping breath, and psychic sweat, but I am done. Free, for a brief reprieve, and off into the great wide world.
I feel human again.
Summers tend to start out depressing for me. I was trying to figure out why, and it boils down to (I think) the fact that all the pent up stress of the school year, and let's face it, my life has never been on any calendar, but the school one, comes to a head exactly at the same time that my birthday. Huge build up. Huge let down. And the ensuing emptiness, in that evacuated space.
There are mini-cycles, and this university quarter system where we are under duress for 10 week periods thrice a year only works to my detriment. Nevertheless, this birthday, though spent muscling through the last of my work for the school year, with a week to spare before my departure and summer course, was actually quite satisfying.
Let me see. I wanted a party, so I threw myself one, a week early, before everyone dispersed to the winds and their respective native countries. My mom came and baked me my favorite and traditional birthday poppy-seed cake, scolding me periodically for staring blankly at the screen in front of me, while I tried to force my mind back to the task at hand. I. and her little friend Christabel begged for a sleepover, and since one is heading to NH and the other to China in a matter of days, I acquiesced.
Gah. I have to finish this bad boy. I glared at the screen, rubbed my eyes in stupor, whined inwardly about not wanting to do this. By 8 I was still not finished, but Becky and Nate came over, with Christabel's brother, and a bunch of gorgeous flowers, and we stopped for wine, cheese and birthday cake.
It was perfect, low-pressure, and yet still not an unmarked passage. So, I am still not 30, and unlike other years, I don't feel a deep sense of failure. I am not chiding myself for not being more creative, nor lamenting lost opportunities. In fact, the world seems full of possibility to me, today. So the paper was pushed out in labored starts and lurches, gasping breath, and psychic sweat, but I am done. Free, for a brief reprieve, and off into the great wide world.
I feel human again.
posted by ilana at 11:26 a.m.
4 Comments:
feliz FELIZ cUmPlEaÑoS
a ti A TI a ti!
Graciazzzzzz. (ya me siento mucho, mucho mejor... teniendo todo en perspectiva)
at first i was worried that my wish of a "day free of unwarranted self-criticism" was marmish, but now i'm glad it was one of my birthday wishes for you.
i miss you, lady. tele/skype date next week?
sí, sí, sí... back on this continent are you? Your birthday wish was one of the best :)
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