Closer

I think I may be getting closer to the center. I am feeling more motivated, somewhat, poring over lyrics on the internet to find the perfect epigraphs for each chapter. I had forgotten how this made me feel. I had forgotten what it was like to turn up the volume so loud that I couldn't hear the rush of blood in my ears or my heaving chest sucking oxygen from the salty air, as my feet pounded and the waves provided a grey-green backdrop. Paul gave me a tape (it was a walkman after all, I remembered) he had every one of their albums, and he made a mix of the most significant songs, I think. I never listened that closely, or I did but it meant something different then. When I feel this way I find that I can only focus on self-improvement (and there is so much work to be done!)... but anyway, I stumbled on these lyrics, I don't know if they can work where I was thinking but in the meantime here they are. I think I understand, and its ok.

"Closer" NIN

you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
you can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
help me tear down my reason, help me its' your sex I can smell
help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

through every forest, above the trees
within my stomach, scraped off my knees
I drink the honey inside your hive
you are the reason I stay alive