wallowing in self pity...

But not about the usual stuff. I hate paying bills. The dread rises like a fur ball in the pit of my stomach, and the electronic snafoos are enough to start the trickle of panic, like a pitocin drip, dilating drop by drop until my heart is pounding and I just want to bury my head in my crossed arms, on my desk, like I did as child. I even missed a car payment! So unlike me, I have never missed a bill, ever (even when I have to jockey money about, just pretending to pay things)! and since this stupid relocation I have over-drafted my bank account (and was bailed out by mom, when I called her hyperventilating at 3am her time) and now this! I have started missing payments. What is this world coming to? My credit cards are all maxed out, which is muddling all kinds of other emotional issues of dependence... Not that I need to be spending very much right now, just that the huge hole that we have collectively dug ourselves seems like the grave that will cave in over me, filling my lungs with sandy soil and choking the last bits of life from me. Ok, I know that I am being melodramatic, I just hate money. I hate it. It is not the not having money that I hate, truly. When bums on the street ask for money I want to laugh hysterically, at zero they have quite a bit more than I actually do, nevertheless, I get to go to the supermarket, pay for gas, and dig in a little deeper. The American economy, based on inflated buying power due to false credit is probably solely responsible for the ass-holeish outcome of last Tuesday's heart-breaking verdict. America has no interest in anything but its own (precariously balanced) economy, and if killing a few brown people somewhere that we can't even place on a map, let alone pronounce, well what does it matter? We _needed_ that flat screen TV.

I think what most upsets me is that I know the evils of living beyond my means, but due to last year's circumstances, I had _no_ other choice. I want to tear my hair out... But at least, there were enough band-aids to go around, this month... Breath in, breath out, stretch... ok, all the overwhelming fear is pushed back into its box, but will surely pop out like a demonic jack, at this time next month...