Adventures in Student Health

Note: This post was partially inspired by Dean's hysterically funny recount of the Customer Service for Costa Rican Telecommunications, and partially by events from real life.

Day 7 of illness: Ilana decides that it is best to bite the bullet and call for a doctor's appointment, only to find that there are no appointments for that day nor the following one, but that she can be seen in the urgent care section of the health center (strange bureaucratic situation as all regular doctor's visits are currently being routed through same office).

Day 8: Ilana drags herself out of bed, rousts her child unhappily from her crumpled blanket bed, careful to not step on her as she stumbles again to the bathroom. Drives her the 2 minutes to school, feeling guilty for using gasoline the whole way there when it is a 10 minute walk, but feeling too sick to deal with schlepping child behind on a bike or walking at a brisk pace. Guilt subsides partially when she parks the car and unlocks the bike to ride over to the "hospital".
She is seen almost immediately, the medical technician seems pleased with himself for this minor feat, but then insists on re-doing her whole chart even though she has been in to the office about 6 times in the past month.
Enter Doctor X.
"Hi what seems to be the problem."
Ilana explains again the nature of her illness.
"I see."
Ilana waits expectantly for a reasonable resolution to the problem.
"You see, this sort of thing is normally self-containing, so I don't think that we should give you any medicine."
"It has been 8 days."
"Yes, so why don't we run some tests just in case, and if you are still feeling bad in two days come back, the results should be in by then. I won't be here, unfortunately, but Dr. Y and Z will be. But I bet you'll be better by then." Patronizing smile.
Ilana grumbles to herself but understands and appreciates the ecological ramifications of over-zealous antibiotic use. Ilana suffers through more unpleasant testing.


Day 10: Ilana awakens unable to breath or swallow, and feels as if her head has been colonized by multiple aliens, who have been sledding down her throat with cheese-grater tobbogans. This is new. She drags child unwillingly from sleep, once more, deposits her at school and returns for a melt-down at home. Ilana's spouse, after said melt-down drops her off once more at Health Center. Service is decidedly slower today. Nurse N. comes in.
"What can we do for you today?"
Ilana wonders why they bother to have medical charts if they don't read them before asking questions. She then manages to give a curt recount of the story (after explaining to everyone else all the way up the food chain).
"Dr. X did a dictation," nurse N. apologizes, "It's not here yet."
Ilana wonders why not given that she was instructed to return in two days, but wisely keeps her mouth shut.
"I was told the results would be in by today," she calmly explains.
Nurse N. "what results?"
Ilana explains and Nurse N. thinks it best to actually go speak to the lab technicians to find out the results. Ilana agrees.
Nurse N. returns after a few minutes.
"Well there are two possible courses of action, I think the first is the best."
"..."
"The results show that there is something, but they are not conclusive. Tomorrow is Saturday and we're not open, the results will be ready monday. (**creative license will be used on this section of dialogue here to spare you the ugly details) You can take Medicine A, which won't solve the problem but it may be useful in alleviating discomfort. This is the best option."
Ilana: "No. I won't take that medicine, I know what it does to my body and I have no interest in participating."
Nurse N. "Ok. the other option is to take Antibiotic F, which we usually give when we don't know what it is that the patient has but we suspect outcome 1, which has already been ruled out. Now it could be outcome 2 or 3, but you are not quite symptomatic enough for that, but we can't rule them out either. So we can give you a three-day course instead, but it would really be better to know what we are dealing with."
Ilana: "Look, I understand your desire to not over-medicate, and frankly if I can avoid medication I generally do, however, I know my body and I know that this is not the way it is supposed to be. And I can tell you from personal experience that it rarely acts the way it is supposed to. For example: When my ACL ruptured from a swift kick it took the doctors several weeks to realize why my knee was totally destabilized because there was absolutely no edema. None. The most classic symptom of a knee trauma is swelling and I had none. I am perfectly willing to believe that my body is once again rebelling against your normative structures."
Nurse N.: "Ok, so what I will do is give you a three-day course of Antibiotic F, I mean you really do have something, the lab technicians said it was really pretty disgusting."
"Yes, thank you, I felt pretty self-conscious about the whole ordeal myself."
Nurse N. continues, unphased by her apparent lack of tact, and bedside manner. "Worst case scenario you spend $20 and we treat you with the wrong medicine, and on Monday we'll know for sure."
Ilana tries to muster some sense of dignity, though her psyche has already taken a good hard beating for the day.

Nurse N. excitedly exclaims as they are walking down the hall. "Here's my card. Call me on Monday because now I'm really curious about what you have!"
Ilana refrains from making one of her classic snide remarks about how she's glad that someone is excited about this.
Ilana proceeds to procure said medicine and within a few hours begins feeling better.

Day 13: Ilana calls Nurse N. and is routed through urgent care. Receptionist-in-training tries three times in vain to send her call to "the other side" which is a hallway exactly 15 feet from her desk. A message is taken.

Several hours pass and Ilana receives no call. Ilana is not a very patient person, as we all know. Ilana calls back, and again confronts the trainee.
"Yes, hi. I called earlier, I need to speak with Nurse N."
"What is it about?"
"Test results."
"Oh, you know, usually if there is nothing wrong they don't call you."
"No. We have already established that there is something wrong. I am taking medication, they were re-running some tests because they were inconclusive."
"Oh. Ok, how do you spell your name again?"
"Ok. This time I'll walk the message over to her... in a little while."
"Thank you, have a nice day." (you can't hear gritted teeth, can you?)
"Ok, you too."


Several more hours pass. Cell-phone rings with the unknown number ring. Ilana excuses herself from rant with professor to take the call, knowing it must be Nurse N."
"Hello, Ilana?"
"Speaking."
"Hi, this is Nurse N. I have been really busy with patients today, in and out. But I thought I would try to call you back quickly since you called twice." (3 hours after second call and 6 after first)
"Thank you."
"Soooooooooo. The really interesting thing is..." she begins excitedly, "you know how I said the results would be in (yadda yadda, yes I remember our conversation it was three days ago.) weeeeeeell, the results were inconclusive again, they found something, they just don't know what! So we had to send it out to the County office! Now I am really curious."
Ilana refrains again from breaking the fine line of decorum and professional courtesy even though it is her health that Nurse N. is enthusiastically following, as if it were nothing more than the outcome of a tennis match, or the superbowl, or worse, congressional hearings to examine a candidate for new chief justice.
Nurse N. explains that the results will possibly not be in until the day after tomorrow, and Ilana resignedly agrees to bide patiently, not really caring one way or another what the final outcome may be.

Ilana comes home and writes a disinterested account of what many others might find a horrific experience in customer service, but, Ilana has been through far worse, so she has learned to just let these things go, and laugh about them when she can.